1. Cutest Wedding Guest Ever
Teacher: If you have 10 chocolate cakes and someone asks for 2, how many do you have left?
Teacher: Okay, well what if somebody forcibly takes 2 of the cakes, how many would you have left then?
Emily: 10 and a dead body.
2. I'm Getting Real Tired of Your Kid Man
Human, you’re death is going to be so painful that you will be wishing that you were never born.
3. My Finger Is An Answer To All Your Questions
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have five fingers and The Third One Is For You.
4. Girl, you have got nice pigtails
Whenever I’m in the naughty corner, I don’t spend my time thinking about what I’ve done wrong…I plan how to do it the next time without getting caught!
5. Be As Bubbly As Your Drink
The last thing I remember is finishing the bottle.
6. Cause I Have Got Sweet Tongue
Is being a brat; starts crying and gets you in trouble when you tell him to stop!
7. I'm Decorating Our Washroom
Please excuse the mess, my kid is making memories. Of me, yelling at them. To clean up the mess.
8. Keep My Words By Heart, Okay?
I tell you she is a Witch. She points her finger, says Goochie Goochie Goo and Boom! I giggle and shit my pants.
9. Don't Move!
People: Wow, your kids are so good!
Me: Fools, you know nothing of the dark side. They are evil in form of babies.
10. Never Ever Take Me for Photo Session Again
Peeing in pants is no cool, so I did it here.
12. Somebody Save That Teddy
You, sir, are a pervert and possibly a rapist cause no one plays with Teddy in that way.
13. Big Brother Has Got Some Moves
I am the Best. Remember to never forget it cause I was planned and you weren't.
14. Don't Cry Over The Spilled Milk
Day 3 and the cats still think I am one of them. LMAO
15. A Little Party Never Killed Nobody
Having kids is like continually having to clean up after a party you didn’t attend.
16. Dog Bed Seems More Comfortable
We guys sleep so peacefully knowing we’re single & ain’t anybody out there cheating on us. LQTM
17. Woah! You Scared Me You Little Thing
Listen, if olive oil is made of olive then…baby oil is made of…God save me!
18. Baby Bartender
When I was born I was so mad at my parents…I didn’t talk to them for two years. And for now, get me some whiskey tits, I’m tired of milk.
19. You Legs Looks Yummy!
Hello China, I need more dog meat, my parents are not feeding me right.
20. He Gotta See Those Beauty Spot
I'm a pervert but in a romantic way (wink).
21. Potty-Training Isn't Going As Planned
Bitch please, I survived potty-training…but my mother is still recovering (grins).
22. Man, It Feels So Good
Excuse me, if I go straight this way, will I be able to reach your heart?
23. I Have Stolen My Dad's Boots
I saw Dad with mom last night…I think he was stealing my milk so I went for revenge and steal his shoes.
24. I Can Do Anything Cause I Got Big Boobs
I don’t need a scale. As long as my boobs touch the wall before my stomach, I’m great.
25. What's That?
"Mom, get me one like their, it seems easy to pee that way."
26. They Gonna be Professional One
Have kids, they said. It will be fun, they said.
27. Six Pack Coming Soon
Babe, I said I will join you for party but listen: Its Chest Day
28. Prince Seems Bored Here
"One thing will always remain true little sibling, I will always be the heir and you will always be the spare. Bow Down To Your King!"
29. Girl, You Are Not My Dentist
You little human, I am going to shit in your bed.
30. Oh Wait, I'll Lift You
When you’re high AF and you see another high AF person. This happen.